Thursday, February 25, 2010

Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes

Douchebags Seek New Way to Compensate for Tiny Penises

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – General Motors’ decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes.

Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.

Tracy Klugian, a realtor in Tempe, Arizona, said that he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, “but it just won’t say ‘asshole’ like a Hummer does.”

Mr. Klugian, whose penis has been described as “microscopic,” also questioned the timing of GM’s decision.

“Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota,” he said. More here.

3 Comments:

Blogger Jefferson's Guardian said...

Tell me, what is it with these people? It used to be said the Corvette was the phallic extension of choice. Does 8 mpg give added "Holmes appeal"?

They should just sign-up if they want to play army.

3:25 PM  
Anonymous sara said...

It's not just a phallic extension, but a show of 'I don't have to worry about money, hahahaha' pseudo wealth, whenever they fuel up the beasts.

One of my neighbors has an Escalade and is definitely in that "I'm so rich I can drive this and fuel it up allll the time" mindset. I wonder if she's willing to live in it eventually. Ooh, did I type that out loud? Meow.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Oso said...

Very funny! I drive a 73 VW, so although I'm still kind of an asshole I'm a comparatively less polluting one.

11:28 PM  

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